No place in life for regrets

I was looking through Friendster in class today. I started to realise i actually know many people from Mgs. There was easily 200 in our cohort. I started to add and add and add. All the faces i came across were so familiar, these were faces i used to see every other day. Everyone's becoming so pretty (testament to the Mgs girls being pretty thingy), everyone looks so different, i admit i wouldnt recognise some of them if i ever came across them on the street. When i got home, i took out my old yearbook. While flipping through the pages, memories in the deep recesses of my mind pushed their way into my thoughts. Suddenly the memories become so clear, just like a vivid dream. I remember all the talking during assemblies, how everyone complained about the long flights of stairs we had to climb right after, i remember how everyone would rush for nasi lemak on tuesdays, i remember hock seng and his eternal shouting(he was the proverbial ah beng to us, so was his son), the note passing be it from/to me or as a go between. I recall all the times, all the fun, all the simpllicity. The times during tennis in sec 3, when we would joke with colin the coach and pick BALLs. I remember Joyce Ang in sec 1, i remember Tan Hing Lan in sec 2(incidently, they are all math teachers since i suck @ math). I remember all the wacky times we had in sec 2 with marvelle and the gang. Sometimes i thought although marvelle was rather guyish she was like this mother hen, who'd stick up for any of us. I remember she'd pull my sleeve (or was that genevieve) and drag me somewhere.

I regret now, that i never managed to make real friends (cept for a few) in all the time spent in that home away from home. I know it is my inability to open up to someone(i recall leonora once telling me that i was very hard to read) and although i am a rather good listener, i have always been too nice to be direct for fear of hurting that person further. I was too shy and too afraid to do many things as my mother was still in her strict phase thing. I wanted to do all the wild, fun things deep inside my heart but never got the guts to. Like all other things, i realise i never fully put any genuine effort and heart into much of what i did(at a time when effort and heart were so important, friendships, sch work, planning. All i did was wallow in my self-pity. It was because of my obsessiveness with my low self-esteem over my grades, myself and my looks and my pimples(yes i have always been vain, so sue me). There were numerous times, i looked on with envy when these girls were doing crazy things, i wanted to be like them. But due to my indecisiveness i never did so.

I remember being a cry-baby in primary school. I remember how i just shouted FUCK YOU(i had just learnt it from i dunno where) at elena in pri 5 because i couldnt take her name calling(i was rather sensitive) anymore. I remember falling down in pri 1 right in front of the classroom door while rushing down to assembly. I think it was lorraine who helped me up. I remember how in primary 2, su min taught me how to fold her groups' secret box. I felt so delighted because she made me feel i belonged. Then she progressed to teach her group a new box because she taught me the 1st one. Then i got dissappointed. I remembered pets day, i brought my terrapin one day(not the one that died in the toilet).

I remember how we would sneak back into class during open day in sec sch(they got rid of it) to play heart attack and bluff. Those were great bonding sessions, lots of screaming, laughing and shouting. AC Guys were the staple during Open Day. I remember all the bitching in KAP(an essential hangout for all cool Mg-gals). The sweet-stealing in cold storage. I remember so many things it is impossible to put them all down at this point of time. I had so much fun in spite of all my self brought-on troubles(oh the life of a young girl). I know now what i did not know then, that those were the best years of my life thus far, and i regret not enjoying my time there any more than i did. I want to know who i hurt and forgive those who hurt me(janice zhang for one, i shall keep that to myself). I regret being so reserved, so shy all the time. When we all went our seperate ways after, i never managed to get my guts up to keep those friendships.

Just recently, i met up with jane again, then followed by jaclyn. I still felt rather distant, in spite of all the times we spent. They were so long ago. I am however, getting more comfy with jane, we've been meeting more frequently, been in contact. So many of us have been changed i find. Next i want to meet marvelle, leonora, kimberly, the list goes on............

I know that i will insist my daughter goes to MGS no matter wat people have to say about the dangers of elitism but it worked for me. Its not a religious thing but an experience, of love, of friendship, of fun, of excellence in character, of what LIFE is. I feel from my years in MGS and the upbringing of my family has it shaped me as person, my faults, my strength. To master, To grow, To Serve. Here's to the institutions of school and family.